Wouldn't it be lovely to be in love?
As I am adventuring through my twenties, wedding season is upon us. Wedding season, for me, has always been bittersweet. It’s sweet because regardless if I know the couple or not I end up in tears. However, wedding season also reminds me just how much you must navigate to be functional in the dating world. As women we are entering the age of things being strictly casual. Now, I do have friends who go through all of this with a level of ease. I have learned to live with the fact that I am the exception in the new digital age of dating. I cannot do casual. Perhaps, I was not wired that way. I am very much into old-fashioned dating. You know the type where you want it to amount to something serious and you’re both striving towards that goal of eventual marriage?
Now I am not bashing casual dating by any means. I have tried it before I knocked it. Maybe, I didn’t try hard enough, but with good reason. As much of an extrovert as I am, I am also very awkward and introverted in romantic settings. I am not the worst dater, but I am also not the best. I am sure this as most things comes with practice. My friends and I decided a while back to give the Tinder thing a go. We all grew tired of waiting for things to happen to us. The mindset in our group was for us to pave our own path and take the dating app world by storm. No one in the group was looking for a hookup. We were all trying to be casual about dating, while neither of us were wired to be casual. We had our share of laughs, broken hearts, and we learned a lot not only about dating, but about ourselves.
I found someone who I found interesting on Tinder. For obvious reasons, we will name him Peter. Peter was studying at Georgia Tech. He was also interested in traveling and concerts like I am. Peter was also new to Atlanta. He took an interest in my trip to Peru and as I talked to Peter it’s worth noting that I felt I could like Peter. Now as far as something serious, I wasn’t too sure. My move to Tampa was going to come sooner than later. However back then I wanted to date because I thought going on a few dates could help me. At the same time, I also found Grayson (not his name either). Grayson played guitar and he was so interested in us getting to know each other. I planned dates with both Grayson and Peter on Halloween weekend. The reason I decided to tackle this adventure in Atlanta was because I had a good network of friends in case anything was to happen to me.
Being honest with you and myself, I was so much more into Grayson. I mean he called me and serenaded me with his guitar before meeting. He also “super liked” me on the app. For those of you who do not use Tinder, the Super Like feature is basically when someone really likes you and gives you this little blue star. Ultimately, it means they’re letting you know they already swiped right.
My mom was more than skeptical about this entire thing. She had her own concerns and they’re concerns any parent would have. Obviously, most of her concerns stemmed from safety. However, some of them were about her old-fashioned styled way of viewing the dating world. She would say things such as, “Isn’t he going to pick you up?” or “He should probably pay for the meal.” As cute as her concerns were, they were also outdated. She was right though, I really liked the idea of both of those things. In a feminist-driven age, it almost feels wrong admitting it. Please do not take this blog as me going against the feminist movement or their ideology, I just feel differently on some issues. The feminist movement does have their fair share of ideas which I can also agree with, but sometimes feminism makes me feel as if the way I view dating is wrong.
Back to the main story on my not-so-juicy dating life. I was more excited to meet Grayson than I was Peter. Yes, it felt wrong. I wanted to just see either or, not both. I had to come to the self-realization that Grayson could also be seeing other people and Peter was just as interesting.
I went on my date with Peter (he caught a glimpse of my friend through the window, who was spying on my date for safety reasons). We had drinks at a small bar. The conversation was enjoyable. Yes, I also earned the final rose of having a second date. He mentioned getting Peruvian food with me several times. However, there was a lack of chemistry. I didn’t feel excited for a next date. The thought of a next date was great, but maybe I hit a dead end into as to how much time I should invest into Peter. I also felt that was partially because Grayson already won me over with our phone conversations (before meeting, those are rare in the online dating world). This made me feel guilty. I also spent a lot of time overthinking, being anxious and feeling lost, all for what?
The next day I got ready for my date with Grayson. I partially wanted to cancel because I was sure at that point that online dating was not for me. It’s worth saying that my relationship with online dating is temperamental and likely to change based on the seasons. Anyways, I got ready and sat at the Starbucks. I sat there for 15 minutes and Grayson was a no show. My ego instantly sunk, and his explanation was that he fell asleep. Now, he did buy me a Starbucks gift card and he is still actively trying to make it up to me as I make my transition between visiting Atlanta and living in Tampa, but our interactions became more friend-like (mainly because I no longer live in Atlanta). Before Grayson tried to make it up to me, I discovered main problems with dating apps and casual dating in general.
My main problems with dating apps and casual dating were: How much should I invest in this person if I do not know how much they’re willing to invest in me? What are their underlying intentions and how do I find them out before investing anymore time into yet another dead end?
Upon the discovery that online dating isn’t for me. I also came to the discovery that I am in no place to be even considering dating someone. I invested four years into college. I want to be in a career that I am passionate about and I also want to put a few more travels under my belt before considering the romantic aspect of my life. The biggest thing is I know myself enough to know that I am not ready to go on that adventure right now. Does wedding season make me feel alone? No, but it makes me want to search for a deeper connection that you can’t just get from a dating app. My friend who recently got married this past weekend is the exception to that rule, but right now I am not looking to be the exception to any rule. I cannot commit to anyone unless I can commit to myself first. It wouldn’t be fair to the other person nor myself. Would I try dating apps again? Maybe. I do not know the answer. As much as casual dating has its drawbacks, when you go into it with the mindset of not taking anything too seriously and using it to discover what you want in a partner, then it’s not so bad. For now, I am not in that mindset. I have also had a few other experiences with dating apps that weren’t too positive, but I never let anything draw me back in the pursuit of love. The main thing is that in your twenties and in the pursuit of love, it’s knowing when to take a break and focus on yourself. Who knows? Maybe while you’re at the rest stop of looking for someone, you’ll find a significant other or maybe you’ll find yourself. I hope that you can find yourself first though.