'Tis the Season for Growing
It’s very hard for me to blog on my phone, so the fact that I am typing on here means I have to vent. We are all anxiously awaiting the days until Christmas. Christmas is American consumerism on steroids, right next to Black Friday. You can try and get religious on me, but if you don’t believe me, all you need to do is go to your nearest Walmart. Christmas was ruined for me, personally, once I found out Santa didn’t exist and that I would spend most of them with my family just staring at each other from a sofa and discussing our other family members problems.
It’s very unnecessary for me to tell you that just like your family, my family has our own share of problems. So how does one navigate the season where you’re bound to see them?
The best advice I will give you when it comes to judgmental family members is to live in spite of it. When I say “live in spite of it,” I mean be unapologetically yourself. I had distance to help me. College has helped me regain a sense of confidence that my family members robbed me of. However, I acknowledge that some of us don’t have distance and that distance is sometimes an unaffordable luxury especially around the holidays. I wish reader, that I could hand you the strength I have now. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that it does get better. Imagine being judged by your family members and bullied at school. The pressure broke my self esteem. The love I have for certain family members has changed and shifted in so many ways. My perception of my family is very tainted.
Through this experience I learned that there are different types of loves. It’s needless to say that once my first cousin was born I made a vow to never allow for him to go through what I went through. Regardless of the way I was treated, I knew that he deserved better. I will never willingly put someone through what I went through. I hope that with the knowledge I have, I can continue to uplift those around me rather than bringing them down. There is a fine line between criticism and being constructive. People can use the excuse of saying they're trying to make you be better to bring you down. Family members are not supposed to be your bullies at home, they're supposed to be the people who uplift you and give guidance. It's very important that you know the difference and never tolerate anything that makes you downgrade your worth.
This blog may come off as if I'm above the critique and I no longer let it affect me. To be completely candid, it's an uphill battle. Some days I feel completely confident and sure of myself and others I am the same girl in middle school who would sit on the couch and listen to the all the "wrongs" I've done.
We have flight-or-fight responses in certain scenarios and my way of coping with it was flight. I don't ever want to disrespect any of my family members and I am sure some of you were also taught to respect your elders. It's deeply ingrained in me as well. Maybe now that I'm an adult the playing ground is even, but in my eyes it's not. Sometimes being around relatives brings back old feelings and their behaviors remained unchanged. They haven't evolved, which has made this more complicated and complex for me to cope with. Running from it and knowing that what I choose to invest in is completely in my control has been my only coping mechanism. So I'm not saying that my form of coping is the best, nor do I endorse it, but it works for me.
I also want to say that it is very hard to forgive people who have never asked for forgiveness and I can't advise you there. I know for a fact it will come with time. I still have grudges and I still have scars, but I do my best to hide them for my younger relatives. They cannot pay for mistakes that happened in the past. I won't tolerate it. It's now time to heal and never look back. As far as old Jackie goes...
Now to navigate Christmas or New Years with judgmental or unpleasant family members, I would have told myself to keep my chin up and reaffirm myself. I also would have told myself that my feelings weren't invalid and every instance that I did cry wasn't my fault, nor was it because I was weak. If anything, the crying made me stronger. I also used to bottle up problems with my family and keep it from my friends, which was a mistake. I'd also tell myself to trust my close friends because it's always better to vent with third parties who aren't directly involved in the situation.
I want you to go in there come the 24th, 25th or 31st whatever it may be and do a power stance, play some confident boosting music and walk in with the knowledge you are never alone. I am with you virtually and things will get better just by shifting your perception. I want you to grab their words and turn them to positives. Learn from their mistakes and flip a switch on their toxic behaviors. Be an example for your younger relatives and friends. Just one act of change can go a long way.
Also, please know that just because you share the same genetics with someone it doesn't mean they have to be your family. Family can be whatever you want it to be.I consider my family my direct support system. The people I can call at 2 am feeling super low, but also the people I want to share every milestone with. .
BOTTOM LINE: If anyone brings you down family or not, pull an Ariana Grande and say THANK U, NEXT, or if you love Audrey Hepburn (like I do) know these words,
"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."
- Audrey Hepburn