Who am I? Who are you? Is this part of the simulation?

Why haven't I blogged in a long time? This is a good question and I often ponder the why? I think my thoughts have been inconsistent enough for me to actually write them down. So I guess as most of you know (or those of you who keep up with my life), I've been travelling. Not the kind of travelling you do when you grab a camera and take a picture and move on, but the type where you're actually looking at what's in front of you and you're breathing. Enjoy everything, because it means you're alive type of travelling.

I think within these past few months I've been finding myself. It's really hard to process what I've seen and done. I have come to fundamental conclusions about myself and some have disappointed people. First one is, I am no longer Catholic. These words are both equally frightening and liberating as I type them. I think various events in my life had led me to this point. Things I will not get too in-depth into because as I said, we need boundaries. This is a great relationship. Let's not ruin a good thing. I won't lie, I have residual guilt from separating from Catholicism. In New York, the Met had a whole exhibit on the Catholic religion, easy for me to tell you that I basically wanted to run away. As of now, I'm Agnostic. Is that subject to change? Maybe. I think we fool ourselves to thinking we need to have it figured out. The universe is so huge and vast. We walk around pretending we have the answers. We don't. Enjoy not having the answers. It's hard because of the way we're wired or maybe it's the way the world tells us we need to operate.

That standard mold of going to college, getting a job, getting married, having kids, and then retiring. I'm not knocking it. It's easy. I'm sure that the people who follow it are happy. However, for right now. I choose not to follow the traditional mold. Maybe I'll end up following it, who knows? Right now, I'm not looking for it. If it finds me, that's great, but I want to see the world and learn more about it before I make some sort of permanent path. We choose certain things and make decisions because we want things to have some order, but we forget that the universe is chaotic and we are just observers. Bask in it's temporary nature, because that's all we have and it's our home.

You're probably thinking I sound crazy? For a while, I thought I did. I started talking to my friends and we had deep conversations about how life works. We don't really have deep conversations as humans and at times I think that's what makes us feel alone. The tendency to keep things base level at times drives me wild. I was relieved to find that none of us really had this whole life thing figured out. I mean we're all relatively young. I'm pretty sure no one really has it figured out. Life isn't some narrow equation with one solution. The main thing is to make sure you're happy. Define happiness as whatever you'd like. We live by molds and standards and usually those are detrimental to our happiness.

I can't lie that when I began questioning everything I believed in I got super depressed and upset. I wasn't really the same person. When you believe in something for so long and it gives you some control, you think you have it figured out. It becomes your foundation, however when that belief system is pulled from you it's as if you have no ground to walk on. Just remember, there are people who care for you and want to talk to you and in the case that there isn't, just know you're not alone.

So to end this on a much lighter note, question everything. Lose yourself. You know that cliche quote: "Not all those who wander are lost." That's me right now. I am blissfully lost. I will keep you posted more often. I promise.