Is Goodbye really Goodbye?

In the past four years of college I have had several experiences with the word: Goodbye. It's still by far the hardest word for me to say for several reasons. The biggest reason being I am so easily attached to people. So today as I said goodbye to my better half, Matthew it wasn't easy. At first it felt like a typical day for us, filled with talking and laughing, but as we reached the hour for him to leave, I came to the realization that it was really goodbye.

I am sitting in Starbucks trying to collect all my emotions as I look down on the table the Polaroid we took from minutes ago just makes tears collect in my eyes. The tears form on my eyelids and threaten to fall, but they don't. Maybe it's because I'm in public. How do I explain to you what Matt meant to me without crying? Matt is the golden ray of sunshine every single day we hung out. He kept reminding me that he wasn't dying. He'd just be far away for a while, but yet regardless "goodbye" just doesn't feel good. Matt and I never hung out much, but when we did it felt as if we always had to make up for lost time.

Matt is the friend who always wasn't there, but when he was he made it count. He is truly the definition of "winging it." He was the friend who after I felt sick (the cafeteria at school everyone) at his party who gave me a hug regardless of how disgusting I looked or felt. Matt is the definition of the word sassy. I love Matt for who he is and we barely ever end a conversation without the words "I love you."

(Matt in a GIF)

I've done many hard things in my life. I walked an entire road in the search of a job at 17 because my mom wanted to show me the meaning of hard work. I've gone to my grandpa's chemo treatments. I've seen and done so many things, yet the word "goodbye" is probably the hardest. It's the hardest word because when you're truly saying it, you don't know when you'll see that person again. He told me his biggest fear was that his friends would go on with their lives and he wouldn't be able to make an impact on them anymore. He basically told me he didn't want to be forgotten. I know for many reasons I won't forget you, Matthew. You're my best friend and I know in my heart that this is all happening for a reason.

I am highly supportive of his decision. I love his dedication to change his life. However, it's worth mentioning I write this blog in multiple sittings, but sometimes I promise you reader that the word "goodbye" is necessary. In a stagnant relationship where things aren't going your way or if it's toxic it's time to let it go. I have had my share of experiences as to which goodbye was a hard word to say, but it needed to be said. As much as this blog is dedicated to the word goodbye being difficult, it can also be rewarding.

I have a quote I absolutely live by and I have the intention of sharing it with you. Funny enough, I got this quote in a goody bag my freshman year of college during Valentines Day. I think the RA's were using it as a way to encourage people to remove themselves from abusive relationships, but I have found it helpful in many other regards.

“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.”

I think sometimes goodbyes are necessary in not only relationships but friendships. We tend to outgrow people whether we like it or not. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. If you're not friends with the same people you were in preschool it's likely you have different interests. This took me a long time to realize, like I said I'm so easily attached to people. I honestly thought that when I moved from Jersey that my friends still missed me from when I left. I was wrong. Yet, I don't regret the goodbye. I think in many ways we've all grown and I'm so proud of all of them. They're all truly doing well.

Sometimes goodbyes are vital because we forget to value our friendships. The detachment creates a sense of realizing how much that person meant to you. I have had this happen to me recently. However, a huge reminder it takes two people to realize how much they value a friendship or relationship. It can never be one person pulling all the weight.

Anyways, I have nothing else to say other than to please subscribe to my blog for more posts. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Follow me on Instagram, Twitter and all the posted links on this blog to keep up with my life.

Sending you love always,

Jackie.