Dangerous Territory

Hi!

Wow so this definitely different than blogging on blogspot. I love this template, but it's subject to be edited/changed. So I hope my blog title captured your attention. I wonder who actually sits down by their phone or computer and reads all these details about my life and actually finds them interesting. However, that is not the point of this blog. I came on here to talk about my insecurities. So let's go...

There's something particularly dangerous about sharing your insecurities, so I can't be completely candid with you simply because let's be real, if you want my all my insecurities I'd need a book deal. Maybe one that that makes a New York Times Bestseller, but for now a girl can dream. I think I have a hard time being someone who knows what they want. I actually up to this point have left things mostly to chance. I'm entering that age where I have to be an adult and make actual decisions. You know that age when you can no longer ask your mom to make your doctors appointments? Yeah, that's where I am. I have a good five months of being a college student and I can't seem to make a clear concise decision and it's absolutely bothering me.

I think my biggest concern is making my mom proud. You're probably wondering why that is. When you come from a family of immigrants, there's a certain expectation. Maybe I don't feel it as much as my other friends because my mom is a citizen and she is from New York, but when we moved here when I was five years old she had literally nothing at all. She literally worked a full-time job and I stayed in after care. She would come home from a long day make me dinner and we'd go to sleep. It was a constant cycle of nonstop. Then her father (my grandfather) would work the entire day and come home, eat, and start over again. My grandmother would work the night shift and he would work the day shift. I come from a family of hard responsible workers. I mean they were non-stop. Then there's me, who at the age of 21 I've had everything handed to me.

Crazy, right? I basically get an education most people would kill for (including my mother), and I have this privilege of having 0 debt and I have no idea what I'm doing. So what am I doing? I have this dream where I can actually afford to send my mom to Europe. I just think about everything she's done and I don't want to disappoint her, but at the same time I have to do what's best for me. This blog probably seems like a long rant, but I'll get there eventually.......

Anyways, I live in a world full of opportunities. Unlike my grandfather, I don't have to have calloused hands or mow lawns, I can make a living using my brain which that in itself fascinates me. I am going to be of the first to have a college degree in May and it all seems to be hitting me head-on. It's an unfortunate and fortunate thing to love so many things at once. It's easy to become passionate about something, but it's also possible to be in a state of scatter brain.

I'm trying to get to a point where I don't blog to have a resolve, because I don't want you guys to get this wrong impression I have it figured out. You know how many times people say "Oh yeah, you have it all figured out." I literally laugh in their face and they look at me like I'm crazy. I have just been lucky to have a good head on my shoulders. The possibility of straying to the dark side seems impossible. Despite my lack of maturity and my unwillingness to grow up, my mom has given me so much structure. I don't know many kids who call their mothers three times a day in college. You're probably thinking I'm crazy, but I'm not. My mom is my best friend and mostly my mother, but you know as I cry in the middle of a Pho restaurant today because it's been a year since my grandpa passed she looked at me and said.

"Growing up, we weren't allowed to express our feelings," my mom looked at me, "I did a good job because you're very expressive and sensitive."

I guess you did mom, stay tuned for the next chapter!